Hm...i find myself repeating to myself "I am sexy, I am awesum, I am desirable, I am too good to be true...but true enough, and and above all I can get any guy I want" and find it had to belive when every guy eventually runs toward the door  leaving me angry, hateful, bitter, and distrusting.

I am gonna go ahead and guess that there are no real men left...or maybe they are too stupid to understand the meaning of honesty...or actually the real meaning of what being a MAN really is about.   Cheaters, liars, sexists, uncultured, wortheless...and now we cant even say "All men are good for is reproduction" cause a LOT of guys now ARE STERIL  and God knows most of the SUCK at having sex...so what the hell?

but I am sexy, I am awesum, I am desirable, I am too good to be true...but true enough, and and above all I can get any guy I want.  and I don't have time for liars.

anbd as for friendships?  They never last.  The only sure thing in this world, besides death...is maybe family. 

I dont know who is worst...the lying PIG or the piece of trash WHORE...who is also a PIG!!!

lowlife scum...I spit on you.

END RANT

nowadays you can't trust anyone.  i don't want to get cynical or paranoid...but you just can't.  they will stab you in the back when they have the chance.  and maybe it's the people that i try to befriend.  maybe it's just this fucking country where "friend" doesn't mean shit.  i am so sick of rumors...and i'm betting now there will be a thousand more.  i know that it's not healthy to live everyday thinking "shit what are people gonna say next" and i wouldn't give a crap if my dad's job didn't depened on his family's good reputation.  i miss my life...when it wasn't tainted by gossip.  when i didn't have to pretend to be someone to please everyone else.  but then again i guess i had to go through this to gain a little self respect and lots of confidence/strength.  ahh the curse of the scorpio...

anyway i am waiting for my window to move back...not saying the states are better...but there are so many different people and they are always so busy they dont care about gossiping or saying ANYTHING!  at least it never happened to me.  and sure it will be hard for me since i am not white...but i don't care.  i'd rather bust my ass working my way to the top in a country that because im of a different ethnicity puts obstacles in my way that bust my ass in my "own" country because of how much i make or how i dress.  ah people and materialism and shallowness...they shouldn't be allowed to procreate...filling this world with self absorbed little bastards...

but yes  i am panicking about college...thinking of staying with my second aunt on my mother's side...one of them anyway...they rock...cool strong older women...gotta love them.  theirs lives are like books...but...real

anyway...im tired of guys...it's hard to get one who can handle me.

im out

there are so many things i want to forget...

so many things that hurt me day by day...

i can hardly catch my breath anymore...

my own skin feels old and worn out...

im desintegrating...

Currently Reading Tomato Red By Daniel Woodrell see related

ah sometimes i can't breath

its like you're holding me by my throat

like all your words are pushing down on my chest

waiting to see my tears

my blood

my fears...

right now i feel tied down

bound with my heartstrings

my veins all stretched...

it hurts to admit that i am afriad

that you terrify me.

and still...

i know this is what i want...